December | 2023 | The Unsilent Majority

December 4 will never be the same for me again. I will never forget how I felt when I found him. Numb, shock, utter disbelief. I was asked to speak at his funeral. I did not know if could or if I had the strength to get through it. However, I felt I owed it to him to try and to do my best to honor him….to make sure his memory lives on.

I don’t have many friends and as I have said, I am an emotional robot. I do not express feelings very well. That is why I keep this blog, as a way of expressing myself the only way I know how…a personal diary of sorts. Below is a copy of what I tried to say at Drew’s funeral. I am convinced the only way I got through it was because of God. He graced and blessed me yesterday with strength I did not know I had. Sometimes, you have to make a decision that absolutely breaks your heart, but know it will help bring you peace.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to speak here today. I’m grateful to be here to honor Drew and celebrate what he meant to so many. Whether it be that he was a wonderful father, uncle, cousin, friend, or the best brother anyone could ask for to what he accomplished as a baseball player. He had a competitive drive in him on the mound that carried over to in his life, as a parent – Drew left it all on the field and did his best to be a great father to his kids.

This week has been hard, probably the toughest week of my life…bar none. I posted a video earlier in the week that absolutely pulled what little heart I had left out of my chest. It said that ‘I have never been the same since my brother died. There is a melancholy inside of me that is always there’. I do not think that truer words have ever been spoken. I know that I will never be the same after this, knowing I will never see his face, get to sit down and have another conversation with him, watch him grow with his children and get roped into coaching little league baseball and softball like a lot of us have…although I think he would have been great at it and that he would have realized he missed his calling. He will never get to walk his baby girl down the aisle. He loved his kids and was great with them. However, I know that nothing is too big or heavy for my God. I am trying to take comfort from the beatitudes. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

That is my prayer for his children, precious little Vada and Beckett. They are young and maybe they cannot fully understand the situation, but they will know there is a void that cannot be filled and they will ask questions and ask to see their daddy in the coming days. Just the thought of that makes me physically ill, so I just pray for the peace and comfort that only God can provide over them. He loved those babies more than anything in the world.

Because Drew and I were so far apart in age, I did not only look at him as a little brother, I looked at him as one of my own. Maybe that is why this is so difficult. It is like losing a son, brother, and best friend all at once.

I have had a ton of messages from people telling me that he looked up to me, was proud of me and that he loved me. Although that does my heart good, but I am a nobody. I can promise that as proud as he was of me and as much as he loved me, it paled in comparison to what I felt for him. What Drew was to me was the inspiration that someone truly looked up to and cared about the man that I was and that, in turn made me want to be the best big brother that I could be. To do that, you have to put up with the random calls and silly, obvious questions. But, I took pride in answering every question that seemed obvious to me knowing that he was just trying to be a better person.

Not saying that I loved anyone in my family more than anyone else. But I do know that of all the people that have gone on to glory….I will miss him the most. We shared a sense of humor that a lot didn’t find funny. We may or may not have called just to talk about people. He never failed to ask me about my kids and what they were up to or in to. At the end of the day though, he had the biggest heart and so much love for his children. He had a huge soft spot for kids in general. I can remember one time when we lived together while he was in college…we saw a kid across the parking lot who had his bike flipped upside down, the chain had come off. It had started to rain a little. He made me drive over there so he could get out and help the little guy get his chain back on. It was the little things like that the defined his character and the man he was. Just his smile and looking at how he responded and reacted with the people he loved

To Vada and Beckett, I will keep you close in my heart and my prayers. I and the rest of Drew’s family will always be here for you. Always.

All of this has shown me how precious time is. No one knows how much time we have. That’s why we must live in the moment, we must enjoy the moment, we must reach out and see and spend as much time as we can with our families and friends and the people that we absolutely love.

A lot of us here are preparing for our first Christmas without their, father, brother, nephew, cousin, or very good friend. This year I told my wife that I wanted our house to scream JOY when people came in. It will still look that way, but it is going to be a season of sorrow for a lot of us. Just try and love and be good to one another. We are not promised tomorrow.

Drew and I were brothers and brothers fight. We had a disagreement about a month or so. As I stand here before you, I cannot tell you what that disagreement was about. I didn’t talk to him much over the last month or so and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that.

I now know what it is like to lose almost everyone you have loved all your life. All I know to do is to lean on God and hold on to hope. Hope is powerful. If we lose hope, then the evil in the world wins and that means Drew died for nothing. I simply cannot come to terms with a world like that. One of my first thoughts after learning of his passing was, “I do not know how to go on without him.” Later this week I realized that I don’t go on without him….I take him with me. I honor him by keeping his memory alive for his kids and all that loved him.

We all know Drew loved baseball. He was passionate about it. As a player, he always pushed himself to be better and never backed down from a challenge. Was he perfect? None of us are. But on certain days of his life, it sure seemed as if he was. I watched him go toe to toe and out duel Sergio Romo at USA Stadium. Romo went on to play for the Giants and win 3 world series. But don’t think for a second Drew would admit that ol Sergio was better than him . I absolutely loved watching Drew play baseball. Whether he was 9 or 21. I admired him because of his passion for his craft and how he would try to improve each and every day. I am positive he tried to be a better daddy every day as well.

In closing, Drew was a great man at his core. Just based on the comments I have read in the last few days, people thought he was a wonderful guy that was always kind. He was sometimes misunderstood, as we all are, but he was also a rare combination of a fierce competitor with a gentle soul. I envied that.

I was and will always be so proud of him and to call him my brother. He was a great ball player and I know I was biased when I spoke to other people about him and baseball. Did I sometimes embellish just how good he was? Maybe, maybe not. But in the end, I didn’t embellish for whomever I was talking to, or so that my kids or his kids would look up to him as some kind of hero. I did it for myself. I adored him and I needed him to be a hero. It is my witness. I love you, Drew baby!