Drew passed away 2 years ago yesterday. I miss him and think about him every day.
The biggest lie people tell is that time heals everything and that it all gets better. I don’t think you even get used to it.
We all do the best we can in moments we are never ready or prepared for. I am still learning to forgive myself for not being able to change the ending.
The hardest part isn’t that they’re gone. It’s that they’re never coming back. That finality. In the early days, you brace yourself for the absence. But as time goes on, the permanence is what gets you. It’s not just the loss, it’s the forever of it.
I will always wonder why his time ran out, but I believe in hope and the power of prayer. No matter the circumstance…God is good.
Over the years and having lost so many people so close to me, I have realized that grief never really goes away. You can go to grief sessions, read about it, get counseling, etc. But, grief will always sneak up on you when you least expect it. It is not necessarily a bad thing, again it just means that you were lucky enough to have loved someone so much that made it hard to let go of. That also means to me, that they are never really gone. You take them with you and always miss and remember them….every single day.
As it turns out, ole George Strait was right in that song when he said that life is not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. I had one of those a couple weeks ago. As I was going about my day, I received a call from the University of Central Arkansas. We exchanged introductions and pleasantries. He then said something that was one of those proud “take your breath” moments for me. He said, “I am honored to inform you that your brother, Drew is officially on the ballot for the University of Central Arkansas Hall of Fame.” He went on to tell me that as they looked into his career there, that he accomplished more in 2 seasons than most do in 4 seasons. They were blown away at the stats he put up and how he still holds school records over 20 years later and that after 20 years, he probably still had the single-best season for a pitcher in UCA history. I am sure a lot of that was the guy being nice and a lot of lip service, but to me it is the absolute truth! lol Whether he is voted in or not, really doesn’t matter to me. Of course I hope he gets in and we get to take the whole family over for an induction ceremony….but I am just proud and beyond honored that he got the nomination. At this moment, I’m extremely proud and excited where his baseball journey has taken our family… the nomination is, to me, the culmination of that journey.
I was also presented with this…..
Getting this jersey was about enough to bring a tear to a glass eye. It took me back 20+ years and I could still see him in it and almost smell the ballfield and watching him play. Proud does not begin to describe the feeling I had. I may have hugged it and just sat with it for a little while! Outside of the day I got married and the days my kids were born, I don’t think I have ever been more proud.
I will forever be indebted to the University of Central Arkansas for this wonderful gesture and for thinking enough of his accomplishments in baseball to nominate him for their Hall of Fame. I hate it is happening posthumously because he would have been so happy and proud of himself. He also deserves it. He pushed himself to be great when he was in Conway and it is proof that hard work pays off. That jersey will go in a frame and be a prized possession for his family. I now have a jersey of his from high school and one from college. They are better memorials for me than any headstone or cemetery could ever be. It reminds me of when it was good.
I know there are people that have gone on to achieve much higher awards and accolades, but seeing it first hand is something. How does a kid from small town Covington, TN wind up at a school and eventually onto the ballot of their Hall of Fame? He went over there alone, not knowing anyone really. I can only assume it was because of his determination and drive to be the best he could be. There is a reason they called it chasing your dreams and not walking after them. You cannot hope someone gives you an opportunity, you have to create one for yourself. Drew did that.
He often felt like people doubted him and I think that when he left our Memaw’s house and moved over to Conway…that he knew he was not going to let anyone keep him from realizing his dreams. He had a lot of good coaches along the way and I can remember him telling me one time that when people believe in you, there isn’t a whole lot you cant do. I hope he knew how much I believed in him. I sincerely thank everyone involved and everyone that helped him along the way.
Someone once said other things may change, but we start and end with family. As I write this with the culmination of Drew’s sports journey, I know I wouldn’t be here without my family. If fate had dealt Drew a different hand, there is no question, no question in my mind, that he would be proud to share this honor with us and everyone that was there for him every step of the way.
I guess if I could talk to him, I would say that Drew, you were not only my brother and like one of my own…you were my hero and I adored you. You taught a lot about life and it was better with you in it. I was just a regular guy…nothing special. You were the star, the chosen one. You won championships and set records. But I never once felt as if I lived in your shadow. Even if I had, I would have embraced it. Whatever it was that drove you and pushed you, it paid off.
I know my family’s proud. That day will mean so much to me because I’ll get to share it with them and Drew’s children. Drew may be gone, but his memory and legacy are not. Besides my wife and kids, he is still the one person I try and make the most proud of me. My kids loved their Uncle Drew. My son has always worn his number…4 because he looked up to him so much. That is our number and we cannot wear anything else. Especially now.
I know most of what I have written about Drew has been sad. I thought it was high time to share something happy and reflect on the good stuff! It is still hard some days. When you lose someone like that, it is not just their absence (because I miss talking to him so much)..it is all the little moments you still thought you would have. The little things. For anyone going through it, let me just say that it is okay to not be okay. It sucks when you feel like the world moved on and you cannot fathom how. Grief doesn’t have a timeline and you cannot rush it. Besides, there will always be days like this one where their memory brings you joy and happiness. Some years ask questions and some years give answers! I am thankful for this answer.
I survived a year of heartbreak, lessons, and getting used to a new normal. There are times in our lives when you go through something that refines you and at the end of it, you never look at the world the same. I can remember going through it when my Daddy passed. That is something we all expect to have to endure as a rite of passage. But, it changes your perspective on life. I know now that things that I once was passionate about, things I thought really mattered….I couldn’t care less about it anymore. We are all just doing our best and trying to get through the day. One lesson I have taken from the past year is that things I once looked down on…are not beneath me anymore. I leaned more on faith and hope to get through every day than I ever have.
Did I win every battle this year, absolutely not. Not even close. But, I am blessed that I was able to show up to every battle. I am just a regular person. I did not do anything special or extraordinary. There were too many times to count where I had to pull myself together and some days….just getting up and going was doing the extraordinary. I call that grace and mercy.
Being an introvert means that you get used to fighting silent battles. But none like this past year. I was hurt and vulnerable. It would have been easy to give up, lose myself, and fall into the saddest version of myself there has ever been. I had to pull myself and put myself back together so many times that I lost count. It took everything in me, the support of my family, and God’s mercy to survive those silent battles.
But, I made it through and for that I am proud. In spite of everything, I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I was and I forgive myself for it taking me so long to “heal”. 2024 was a painful and flat out sad year for me. I had a hard time finding joy or trusting happiness again…but I survived.
One year ago today, everything changed. It has been a long, hard year and yes, sunny days still seem to hurt the most. Losing my brother was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I remember the morning one year ago today vividly. What I felt that morning was something I will never forget. It was a feeling that came over me that I had never experienced before and haven’t since.
I know you hear crazy people sometimes talk about having a sixth sense. I cannot tell you what it was, but I knew in my core that something was wrong. This was early morning, long before I knew he did not show up for work that day. Once I found that out and when he did not return calls or messages, I knew it. When I pulled into his apartment complex…I knew the outcome before I ever knocked on the door. I cannot explain it, some things you just know. I knew he was gone. I honestly believe that is what that feeling was.
I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had acted on that feeling sooner. It would not have changed the outcome, but it will always be one of those moments I wish I could go back to. I have known this day was coming, and although I have not particularly looked forward to it…I am ready for it to be here. It is time for me to lay it all at the feet of the Lord and move on. Looking back, I needed this past year and how I processed and handled it all, but I allowed it to rob me of things that I shouldn’t have. No one gives you a manual on how to handle a situation like that.
I have been selfish a lot of this year and that is not who I am. I have wallowed in my own grief and not thought about others the way I should have. My wife and children have put up with me for 365 days and outside of the initial moment and memorial….I haven’t given them the same grace they have given me. I should have worried more about them. My kids lost an uncle and one of their favorite people. He left two kids behind that were not old enough to really understand…they just knew he wasn’t here anymore. I should have been more sympathetic to that and I am sorry.
I am thankful that he left behind a spitting image reminder of himself! I cannot help but smile every time she walks through my door!
I was angry when he died. There was a time in my life when maybe I would have cursed at God. But, I have read Job enough times to know that it is not my place. Death does come for us all, so I was angry and cussed at death like it could hear me. A thousand “whys” and “this isn’t fairs”. I never planned on knowing a life “After” Drew. I am the elder, it is not supposed to be that way. But, life never asked me what I wanted or planned on. That day…a regular and ordinary day, the unthinkable happened. Everything went from good to tragic and I have not trusted happiness since. The anger has faded, but the wishing he was still here never does. Knowing that I will now know a life before and after Drew was one of the hardest parts to accept.
It is hard to explain what the loss of a sibling feels like. Best way I can describe it is a perpetual homesickness. It is a make you sick at your stomach, empty feeling because one of the few people who knew me the best doesn’t exist anymore. You are always homesick for a place that will never be there again and was gone in an instant.
Before the day he died. I had been there for every single day of his life on this planet. We may not have seen each other or talked every day, but I knew he was there and for better or worse…his being was a part of my reality as long as there was a reality. It makes sense that when he was gone that it made it almost impossible to make sense of a world without him.
The hardest part for me is…
Drew died alone, and I think that for the rest of my days I will regret that I was not there with him when he left this world. It hurts me to think he was scared and alone. I think about that moment every day and I shouldn’t because his life had so many good moments that I should remember instead. There are things I needed to tell him that I never got the chance to. Things that he deserved to hear. All of these things we say at funerals and in memories when we should say them while they are here.
I love him and I miss him. Gosh, I miss him so much. I probably should have told him both of those things a million times, but we were more of the unspoken, you already know types.
Like most everyone, I am my own worst critic. Growing up, I did not feel like I was this good person, but he made me feel like and believe I was a good person. I have trouble forming real and true friendships…but he was my best friend. Seeing him struggle and hurt was the hardest thing I ever had to witness…if I could have taken it away, I would’ve. I tried my hardest to protect him. Always
The last year was hard. I wanted to be happy without feeling guilty. I wanted to miss him, without crying. I wanted to celebrate his life, without it breaking my heart. I could not find a “good side” of grief. It got easier. Time helps but doesn’t erase it. The days are surreal. We become aware, especially around the holidays that someone completely irreplaceable is missing and the world doesn’t seem to care…it just keeps turning. Healing is not pretty and there is no real timetable for it. As if losing them was not bad enough, it is all the little moments you thought you would have the will never come. I never got to say goodbye or have that last laugh. That kind of loss changes everyone.
I gave myself a year. When Drew passed, I knew that it was nothing that I would get over in weeks, months, or even years. But, I gave myself a year to go through every emotion, stage, and feeling one has when you lose someone that close to you. Today marks that end of my year. What I have learned through every experience this past year is that I am stronger than I thought I was and that life goes on and does not stop for anyone or anything.
Last Sunday, we had a memorial service at church for those who have lost people in the past year. I did not know how well I would handle that and only cried once. There were the families of several people represented there. Seeing their grief, knowing you are not the only person who has lost someone was good for me. It also made me feel selfish. There are other families out there hurting too. All of this writing I have done…maybe I was doing too much, but it is my therapy. I walked away from that service with a peace that it was okay to let go and move on…that it was time.
Now, that does not mean that I am ever going to forget my brother. Borrowing a story from Billy Bob Thornton…I have never been the same since my brother died. There is a melancholy in me that never goes away. I am 50% happy and 50% sad at any given moment. The only advice I can give people for when you lose someone like that is that…you will never get over it. The more you know that and embrace it, the better off you are. I don’t ever want to forget my brother and I will never forget what it felt like when he died, because he deserves it, that is how important he was to me. So, if I have to be 50% sad for the rest of my life without him, without everything he brought to life…then that is the way I’ll honor him.
I thank all of you that have been there and offered support, a hug, or just a kind word this past year. It means more than I could ever express.
Everyone has a story and has been through something that changed them. Sharing my story will always be hard. When it isn’t, it is time for me to stop sharing it. As for now, I feel it is too important to not share. That is why I decided to start a foundation in his memory. To quote Stephen King…”Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win”. But I also believe strongly in hope and I know there is nothing that is too much for my God.
You can’t heal the people you love and you cannot make choices for them. You cannot rescue or save them. We all have free will. You can, however, promise that they will not walk their journey alone. All you can do is be there for them. Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth.
This is what it feels like to love someone that struggles with alcohol or drug addiction. You and you heart know and long for the person they used to be….the person you know is still in there somewhere. The deeper they get into it, the more it does seem they will never be that person again. Addiction is forever, because even if they do get clean, you always have a sinking feeling and fear of relapse. Seeing someone you love in active addiction is a pain like no other. You really never know when you may lose them to that addiction and that is the scariest part of all.
Again, everyone has been through something. Never judge someone by the chapter you walked in on. Some people are just trying to accept responsibility for their past mistakes and the ugly parts they want no one to see. All we can do is hope they see it, accept it, and become a person of humility. To anyone out there that is struggling…it is going to be okay. Don’t be embarrassed by your situation or afraid to ask for help. Most people cover up their flaws with a facade as well. Just keep going. God has you right where you need to be. It will get better and we will all be okay.
The first step in overcoming addiction is realizing you don’t need to escape your reality…maybe you just need to change it. All of us have the power inside of is to say “this is not how my story is going to end”. I believe everyone is born with a natural desire to help others. I will ask the same question I ask myself…who did you help today? Never forget that God pulled you out of the pit, so you could go back in and get more people out. Hold on to hope! If we lose hope, then the evil in the world wins and that means Drew died for nothing. I simply cannot come to terms with a world like that.
My brother was a good man and I will not allow any demons to define who he was or his legacy. He loved big, he was a good dad and was the best brother anyone could ever ask for. He was talented and I was always jealous of how good he was at certain things. He still holds 9 pitching records at UCA and I think is the only player in CHS history to record a win in consecutive state tournaments.
In closing, Drew was a great man at his core. Just based on the comments I read after his passing, people thought he was a wonderful guy who was always kind. He was sometimes misunderstood, as we all are, but he was also a rare combination of a fierce competitor with a gentle soul. I envied that. He may be gone, but he will never be forgotten. I take a little piece of him with me in everything I do.
I was and will always be so proud of him and to call him my brother. He was a great ball player and I know I was biased when I spoke to other people about him and baseball. Did I sometimes embellish just how good he was? Maybe, maybe not. But in the end, I didn’t embellish for whomever I was talking to, or so that my kids or his kids would look up to him as some kind of hero. I did it for myself. I adored him and I needed him to be a hero. It is my witness. I love you, Drew baby!
“I have lost many things in life. People, moments, hearts, sunsets, time…even life and death. Yet, I live. Scarred, scared, but brave and breathing. I lived through it all. For what is a man, but what he becomes after he falls.”
….and I haven’t been able to forget it.
Last month, I attended a conference in which Tim Tebow was the keynote speaker. He spoke on finding peace in a fallen world, a peace that only comes through God. He also spoke of hope. I have always been a big believer in the power of hope. It means to look forward with confidence, expectation, and anticipation. Peace is something only God can give someone, but hope…that is something we can give one another.
Prior to Tim Tebow speaking, they showed a video of all the good that man does in the world. I don’t put any man on a pedestal, but that fellow is earning his treasures in heaven. From my point of view, I am like “Wow, he has done enough”. Then he speaks of how he has so much more that he wants to do and when he does finally get to Heaven, he wants to be exhausted. He has hope that he can make a difference, if even just a little every day.
I say all that to say that night really made me take an inventory of myself. What have I done? Who have I helped? How long am I going to use the excuse that I am the textbook definition of an introvert and would rather take 5 lashes with a kendo stick than step out of my comfort zone? We all have scars and a story that defines who we are. It may be one of those stories we don’t want other people to know. We may not like it and it may be heartbreaking, it may even be embarrassing on some level. However, if sharing only helps one person, who am I to get in the way of choosing to impact others?
Looking back on the night of December 4, 2023, I have no doubt that I was in a complete state of shock. An eerie sense of numbness I had never felt before or since. My little brother had passed and I should have been full of every mean emotion imaginable, but I wasn’t. The only thing I can recall is being sad beyond words, but I had a peace that could only have come from being in shock, and God. I do remember hearing a voice telling me that it wasn’t for nothing. I keep hearing that over and over. Something good has to come out of this.
The one constant that has been on my mind and in my heart since that day is that I wanted and needed to do something to honor his memory and hopefully help people along the way. Since that night, I have felt like I was supposed to do something of significance, something to help others. I have always come up with an excuse not to. I have never been brave enough or felt worthy to.
I’d like to announce what I am calling Project Parr4
While in its infancy, the primary mission of Project Parr4 will be to try and reach out to young people, especially with the intent to discourage and prevent the start of alcohol and substance abuse. I am not 100% sure what all it will entail or in what direction it will take me, but I believe when things are put on your heart and you have a chance to honor someone or help others, you should not ignore it. Even if it helps just one person along the way, it will have been worth it.
Drew loved the phrase “Ad Astra Per Aspera”. It is Latin for “a rough road leads to the stars”. So maybe I will make that the tag line for the organization. Who knows if will ever get that far.
We all know that life is not easy, never has been and never will be. (Which is why I will always root for anybody trying to do better) It is especially tough on young people today with more social media, peer pressure, and culture rot than ever before. All of these substances are more readily available to kids now more than ever. We are called to take care and look after one another, I just want to do my part and maybe spare a kid or family somewhere a lifetime of hurt.
I have seen addiction. I know addiction. Unfortunately, success stories are far more rare than the people that succumb to the disease. I am only hoping to reach kids before they get in too deep, with the intent of convincing them to never take that first drink, vape, or any drug. Teenagers have been drinking and smoking forever. Some people will easily be able to put it down and walk away from it whenever they want. However, for others the alcohol or drug can cause a very hard life that leaves every bad thing imaginable in its wake. Addiction is not prejudiced. It doesn’t care if you are poor, middle-class or wealthy. It has no regard for whether or not you are the valedictorian of your class or the star athlete. No one is exempt.
Again, it will be nothing fancy to begin with. Social media and personal conversations mainly. Help them see through faith, encouragement and my life experiences that they do not need to be anything other than what the Lord made them. I am sure I will build a website with resources, information, and avenues for help. Maybe I will start a baseball club, or at least sponsor one. Drew sure loved baseball and I can think of no better way to give back in his memory than for this to include baseball. Recreational and local baseball is slowly dying off. The numbers dwindle every year. I don’t presume to know all the reasons why, but I know some of it is that people just cannot afford it. Maybe I can create some kind of “scholarship” that will help a kid or two play either rec or travel ball that wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford it.
That is about all I can do at this point until the Lord speaks through me and allows me to get in front of people and tell my story. The Lord knew not to make me super wealthy, because I would just give it all away to people and kids who need help, whether they are involved in drugs and alcohol or they are in a bad environment due to those factors.
The long-term mission of Project Parr4 will be a bigger leap of faith for me and it will be a lot harder. I make no secret of my disdain for drugs and alcohol. A lot of times, I project that onto the people consumed by these demons and lose sight that they never dreamed of being an alcoholic or drug addict when they were kids. My prayer is that in time, I will be in a position (both mentally and financially) to actually help people struggling with or those who are affected by alcohol and substance abuse. To help them to find recovery and peace through faith, encouragement and getting them the help they need.
People tell me that I have a way with words and they enjoy my posts. While I appreciate it, that is not why I have done it. I am just hoping to plant a seed and hopefully help someone along the way. I do not wish anyone to suffer the same fate or story that I have, although I am positive my story is a Disney movie compared to others. People say that I am good at giving advice, but I just tell others what I wish someone had told me. My kids would probably tell you that I am a tyrant and run a tight ship when it comes to certain things I allow and what I consider non-negotiables. That is only because I would give anything to go back in time and be harder on some people than I was. Maybe it would have made a difference.
I know that none of this is going to be easy. I am content living in my own bubble and watching the world go by. But, I have learned that I cannot just wait for the next tragedy…maybe I actually need to be the person I needed when I was younger. Learning to be a light in the darkest moments of someone’s life, I don’t know how to do that. Just maybe, being the light that helps others see; maybe that is the significance I seek.
The last year has taught me that every situation in life is temporary. So, when life is good, make sure you enjoy and fully embrace it. And when life is not so good, remember that it won’t last forever and that better days will come. This too shall pass. I’m just sorry it took a tragedy and until the latter part of my life to try and be selfless and realize that no one dreamed of being an alcoholic or drug addict when they were a kid. There are so many factors and at the end of the day, we were all made for something better.
I have seen times when people were so low that they did not think they were worthy of anything good happening for them. I hope that wonderful things happen for people, and they often do. I also hope that when these good things happen that people are in a place where they know and believe they are worth every single one of them.
I know that my world could have gone in one of two directions after Drew passed. If I am being honest and were a betting man, I would have bet that it went south. But, as the poem at the beginning said “For what is a man, but what he becomes after he falls”. He would not want me to stay down. If, by some miracle, this endeavor works out and grows into something good that helps people, I will consider it one of my proudest achievements. It will be bittersweet, because he was always one of the core people in my life that I wanted to make most proud of me. I know there will always be a part of me missing and I hope this project can help me fill that void by helping others.
Isaiah 6:8 says: Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
I never knew if I would write about Drew again. My last post was about acceptance and then the calendar flipped to August. I have known it was coming and no matter how much you prepare for it… you are not ready. I was no more ready for this past weekend than the morning my daughter drove away to school on the first day of her senior year. I probably should have paid tribute to him on his birthday, but I just didn’t have it in me that day. Some people go to see a therapist and talk through their issues, I write instead.
August has been a hard month for me for the last 17 years. My Daddy’s birthday is on August 10th and he passed away on August 25th, 2007. Despite that, a bright spot always came with the month as well. As hard as it had to be for him to celebrate since Daddy passed the day after his birthday, Drew’s birthday was August 24th. He would have been 42. It was yet another one of those “firsts”, celebrating Drew’s birthday without him. Happy Birthday, Drew baby….you are missed and loved immensely!
Although, I miss him every day…I knew I would miss him a little extra on Saturday. I will miss him my whole life. It just seems that in everything I’ve done since he has been gone, I’ve thought that he should still be here. I can see every version of him that he didn’t live long enough to become.
People outside of my family probably do not know, but I do not have a radio in my car. Haven’t for a long time. I am pretty sure that it was around the time that Ben died, that it stopped working and I just never saw the sense in getting it fixed. Songs trigger too many emotions. My Daddy requested Willie Nelson’s rendition of “Over the Rainbow” at his funeral, so we played it at Drew’s as well. That song is permanently imprinted in my brain. I would rather spend that time in thought….plus you have to be on full alert when driving around with these crazies in Memphis!!!
The music I do hear, is when I watch TikTok. Some of my favorite videos are the ones where people “blind react” to songs they would not normally listen to. One got me on Monday morning when I was getting ready for work. There was a couple on there blind reacting to Kenny Chesney’s “Who You’d Be Today”. It was a hard reminder that acceptance does not give you amnesia. For anyone who has lost someone they love at a young age, how do these lyrics not reopen a wound?
“Sunny days seem to hurt the most I wear the pain like a heavy coat I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face I hear you laughin’ in the rain I still can’t believe you’re gone
It ain’t fair you died too young Like a story that had just begun But death tore the pages all away
And God knows how I miss you All the hell that I’ve been through Just knowin’, no one could take your place Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today?”
I did not know that when we celebrated his birthday last year, that it would be the last. The thousand moments I took for granted because I assumed there would be a thousand more. I guess I will learn one day to treat everything like it is the last time, you do not know what tomorrow will bring.
“The Lord will never give you more than you can handle” You hear people say that all the time. I wish it were true, but that may be the most erroneous statement ever. So, y’all please stop saying that. However, I believe He equips us with what we need to persevere through all trials and struggles. It is up to us to be faithful and although we cannot see it, know that He is walking through every trial with us.
Everyone, I am sure, has a chapter they do not read out loud. I find it better for me to share it and get it all out…as hard and depressing as it is to do so. I have been on the opposite side as well. Holding it all in. That will make you a crazy person. Most of the time, I just tell God that I am scared and need him to walk me through it and that is enough. I just trust that when He whispers back that it wasn’t for nothing, that He is faithful.
That has been August for me.
Everything After
As for everything after….I don’t know. I do know that everything will be okay.
I did not always feel that way. To be honest, I did not know if I would be here today writing this 8 months ago. Every day, week, and month brought its emotional challenges. Early on, there were days when the hurt seemed bigger than the strength I thought I had to get up. As time passed, I realized I wasn’t gonna die of a broken heart. It has been 8 months and he is still the first thing that I think about every morning. I have found that the hardest page to turn is one where I know he will not be in the next chapter. I can promise you one thing, if you were to find everything in my life that I have had to let go of…there would be marks on it from where I tried to hold on.
It may seem weird to some people, but I keep a part of him next to my bed just to somehow still feel close to him. There is and will always be a permanent void that I will carry. I don’t ever want to forget my brother, but I certainly would like to forget finding him gone. I miss his company and his sense of humor. I miss his voice and our bond.
I have said before that Drew will always be one of my greatest blessings, but also my biggest failure. I am working on that last part. I know one day that I will owe myself an apology, because no one has been meaner and harder on themselves than I have to myself.
You know that uneasy feeling you get when things are going well and life seems really good? Almost like you sense a speed bump of some kind on the horizon. That is how life was when Drew passed. Things were going really well. The kids had changed schools, Kendra had moved to a new job…it was Christmas time. Everything seemed like it had that “most wonderful time of the year” feel. I was happy. Then, he died and I have had a hard time trusting happiness since. I guess that I am scared that another bomb will drop and I do realize that is no way to live. Shouts to my family for putting up and being here for me. They and I all know that I’m not easy…I know I am not. But I couldn’t have made it the last 8 months without them.
I know we have all seen the image that says “One day you and your friends went outside to play for the last time and none of you knew it.” It is also true that everyone in your life will have a last day with you and you never know when it will be. My wife sees the beauty in most things. She loves the sunsets and painted skies. Anytime we are in the car or outside at sunset, she makes it a point to make me look and say how beautiful it is. She is not wrong at all, but the sky sometimes sure looks different when you have family up there.
I sure wish he could have been here to see this:
It has been a long 8 months and I am prepared for the hills and valleys that will continue to come for however long they come. I have learned a lot this year. I have good people in my life that always seem to check on me at the right times. People that I certainly didn’t expect. For that I am grateful.
I am now what I once considered to be old. What that means is that I’ve survived so far and a lot of people that I’ve known and loved with all my heart have not. I’ve lost a sibling, parents, grandparents. friends, acquaintances, and my mentor.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying, but I haven’t yet. I suppose I don’t want to. I’m sure that I don’t exude it, but I feel deep.
It is hard on me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to stop mattering. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. Each one has left a scar and those scars are a reminder of the love that I had for that person. Good thing is that scars are healed wounds and I count my blessings that I am still here. Just gotta keep on living, l-i-v-i-n, because obviously the Lord is not done with me yet.
You don’t have as much time as you think you will have with the people you love. So, do everything you can to spend more time with them. Treat every time you see them like it matters. Make every moment matter. Make everything mean something. I know I am still guilty of not realizing this and it is something that I am working on.
I am also working on remembering Drew well and holding onto his memory without spiraling into a darkness. I think that by not letting grief take us to unhealthy places, we honor them.
I have no good way to wrap this up, so I will leave you with the remainder of that Kenny Chesney song:
“Some days, the sky’s so blue I feel like I can talk to you And I know it might sound crazy
It ain’t fair you died too young Like a story that had just begun But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you All the hell that I’ve been through Just knowin’, no one could take your place But sometimes I wonder who you’d be today?
Today, today, today Today, today, today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most I wear the pain like a heavy coat The only thing that gives me hope Is I know, I’ll see you again someday Someday, someday”
I am pretty sure that I have gone through every stage of grief since I lost my brother. Of all the stages of grief, I have found acceptance is the most difficult to achieve. They say the first year after you lose someone you love is the hardest due to all the firsts you have to go through. There is a lot of truth in that. I had a birthday last week. It was my first birthday since Drew passed away. That morning was hard. His was always the first text I would get on my birthday, and although I knew it would not come…I strangely waited for it.
It has also been the first baseball season without him. That one was tough. He was supposed to still be here mentoring my son, critiquing his mechanics and helping him along, pushing him to be better, and passing on his baseball knowledge. Outside of myself, I know he was my kid’s biggest fan. My son wears #4 in honor of him, even before he passed. Uncle Drew was his person to look up to and to chase. He knows he doesn’t have to wear it, but he chooses to. That is the impact Drew had on him. We always talked on Opening Day, every year. I am a Dodger fan and he’d always pull for the Yankees. I miss the “Are the Dodgers gonna choke again this year” jokes.
I have said it before, I know that I am not the only one to ever lose a brother or a loved one…that is not lost on me. To quote the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance. “Ain’t a soul on this entire earth ain’t got a burden to carry he don’t understand.” I do, however, wish I had better advice for people who will go through it one day…. just know that you will never get over it. The dialogue in that movie also goes on to say, “You ain’t alone in that. But you been carryin’ this one long enough. Time to go on. Lay it down.”
It has been 168 days since Drew passed. It has been longer than that since I last spoke to him. In the 41 years he was alive, we never went more than a week or so without talking. The last 5 months have been hard. They have gone by slowly. It has been over 5 months and I still didn’t want to accept it. You never quite get used to knowing you will never see or talk to them again. I figure I will always miss him every day.
It has been just about the saddest part of my life, saying goodbye to someone you thought you would spend your lifetime with. A person that you have childhood, teenage, and adult memories with. The elderly ones were supposed to come too. I read something somewhere that went something like “only those closest to us can hear you when you are silent”. Drew and I had that and I miss it.
For the longest time, I felt lost…like a part of me was missing. I got sad a lot more than I used to. I lost a big part of myself…I missed all the good stuff about him. I waited for things to go back to normal. The truth is that this was my new normal, and I had to stop expecting things to go back to what was once normal. I’d try every day to make the best of it, but if you want to know the truth….my heart still breaks a little every day to live in a world without him in it.
In a perfect world, we all get enough time with the people we love. But, it is never enough time. We also would be able to say our goodbyes with a clear heart, a clear conscience, and without regrets. On the other hand, sometimes people pass and we never get a second chance to make things right.
I think that is what I struggled with the most. I didn’t get that chance to make things ‘right’ or say goodbye. I did not know the last time I talked to him would be the last. We did not see eye to eye and had an argument…both were too hardheaded to be the first to apologize. I did not see it or did not know that he was as sick as he was. That he would lie down and go to bed one night and never wake up again. I do take comfort in that regardless of what terms we were on when he passed, I know he loved me and he knew that I loved him and only wanted the best life possible for him. I guess my biggest lesson from all of it is to not wait for life and loss to show you the value of the people in your life. Life is fleeting and time is very precious. If we wait for life’s lessons to be that wake up call we need, it can be too late.
Still, there is nothing I would not give for one more conversation with him. I just want him to know that I am sorry, for all of it. For not seeing signs that I should have seen. I am sorry that our curse chose him and that he struggled so much and for so long. I just want to tell him that it is not his fault. Drew will always be my biggest blessing but also my worst failure. I couldn’t save him. I know that I should not feel that way, but I have accepted that as my burden to carry. I also know it is my responsibility to make sure his memory lives on and that he is not forgotten. I love talking about him and grief is just all the unexpressed love we never got to tell them.
I thank God and I count my blessings every single morning and night. I don’t know why I got this wonderful life of a beautiful family, somewhat privileged and with too much comfort. I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. The very same way he did nothing to deserve the burdens and pain he went through. Why was I spared and he was left to struggle? I have not had a perfect life. Like everyone else, I have had trials, struggles, and moments of turning to the dark side. But, eventually, either the light found me or I made my way back to the light. This is going to sound terrible because I love my life, everything and everyone in it. Sometimes, I wish the light had found him instead…that he was dealt a better hand. Life is not fair…never has been and never will be. It just seems a little extra unfair when it takes away someone who still had so much life to live.
Drew had a favorite quote, “Ad astra per aspera”. It was written in the bill of every ball cap he wore and he even had it tattooed on his side. It is Latin for “a rough road leads to the stars”. I will never be able to accept why he was destined to walk such a rough road, but I take solace in knowing that it did finally lead him to the stars. While it doesn’t make getting over it any easier, this idea does give me hope that through it all, we can all rise higher than where we are or where we started.
I struggled terribly when Drew passed. Some that others can probably see and others I know that I hide well. Most of it in silence. I didn’t want to let him go or say goodbye. I never wanted to get to the acceptance stage. It felt like I was letting him down again if I accepted it.
I cannot explain it, but last weekend at his kids’ preschool graduation, (It was awesome and he would be so proud), something happened. I knew it was going to be a hard day, just did not know how hard it would be until I got there. Something that he should have been there for and wasn’t. That is when something hit me and I finally accepted that he is never walking through the door again…no matter how many times I look for him. It was almost like a peace came over me about it all. I finally made my peace with the circular staircase that grief can be, because we can only be haunted by things we refuse to accept. It is not my battle to fight anymore. I trust that for reasons beyond my comprehension that God needed him back more than we needed him here.
That is not to say that I will ever completely get over losing someone that means so much to me. The person I was before that day…I won’t ever be again. Wouldn’t even know where to start to get back to that person. I can accept what happened and what that means, but I will never get over losing him. I don’t want there to ever be a time that he is not at the forefront of my mind, nor will I ever forget what it felt like when he died. I will always talk about him to remember him and honor who he was and the impact he had on my life and my kids lives. When you have a younger sibling, their memory will always be there with you because they are a part of your being.
Acceptance is a hard mountain to climb. I accept that he is gone, that I will miss him forever and there may always be a void in my life….and that is okay. Missing someone does not have to mean sadness. I see things all the time and want to show him or call and tell him about certain things. Instead of being sad about it, I just tell myself how he would have laughed at this or loved that. Grief is the price we pay for loving people. As with my Daddy’s passing, in my sorrow…I found my peace and gratitude and in my sadness, I found the strength to carry on. Maybe that void is meant to be left filled with memories and we carry them in our hearts and find the good in everything that reminds us of them.
I count my blessings that I was lucky enough to have had someone in my life who made it so hard to say goodbye to.
“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4
The holidays sure were a lot different this year. I suppose I could give all of you the tough, manly answer that I am “okay”, but that would be a flat-out lie. I am not okay, it was a very long December. It has been a month since Drew passed. It hasn’t gotten easier and it is all still so incredibly unbelievable to me. I can’t say that I will ever get over it. This one hit hard. It hurt. Physically. In my chest. In my bones. Everywhere.
I have had to bury my two namesakes, my grandparents, a cousin and others I have loved my entire life. When my brother died unexpectedly on December 4, I thought I knew what to expect. The waves of emotions — sorrow and happiness and everything in between — never knowing when they are gonna hit. The tears. The anxiety. The anger (which seems to be the one I am best at).
When our Daddy died from cancer in 2007, it had been fairly expected — not a “what if” but more a “when.” When he passed, the grieving process felt almost too easy. I’d been holding my breath for as long as he fought cancer, so when he died, I felt like I could finally exhale. The memorial service proved to be a blessing by being a distraction. Turns out I didn’t grieve properly and get it out, but that is another story.
We lost the best woman the world has ever known in my Memaw back in 2019. That too was a long fight with dementia and when it was over, you are never glad….but relieved they aren’t suffering anymore. Just an idea of how great a woman my Memaw was, She passed on 10/7. Proverbs 10:7 says “The name of the righteous is used in blessings” and was she righteous. She was by far the best of all of us.
I lost my first best friend in my cousin, Ben on New Year’s Eve a couple years ago. That was a staggering gut punch that I didn’t want to feel again any time soon.
But this time, grieving was not like the others.
Maybe it was the suddenness of it all….taking for granted that I would always have time. I cannot help thinking of all the things I should’ve said that I never said, all the things I wanted us to do that we never did. We still had lots to do. I carry a ton of guilt. I told my daddy before he passed that I would look after Drew. I gave him my word. I know I didn’t, but I feel like I failed him too.
I remember the day Drew came into the world. I was 6 and although I don’t remember who it was….I do remember someone picking me up and asking me if I wanted to go and meet my brother. I was blessed with 41 years with him and for any fault he had, he was my brother. The one that was supposed to get old and such with me. He got to enjoy my kids when they were little and be cool Uncle Drew and I wanted him to be here so that he could see me be that for his kids as well.
I’ll never forget what I felt and what it felt like when my brother died….nor do I want to. I can recall it literally taking my breath away. There have been only a handful of times that has happened. Seeing your to-be wife walk down the aisle, the moment your children are born, and when the people we have loved our whole life are just….gone.
I said it at his memorial, but I do not think I realized the gravity of it at the time. But I know that I will miss him the most. I am sure that I will spend the rest of my life missing him. In every way, I am going to miss Drew. There are not many things that last forever, but it sure seems that missing people never ends. Not that missing people is always a terrible thing…it sure brings back memories that you didn’t know you had. It is weird how you can find so much pain in missing someone but also find so much peace in it as well. Perhaps that is what Hemingway meant when he said “We are all broken…that is how the light gets in”
I am old enough to know that not everything has a happy ending. Sometimes, just maybe it is about the story itself. Although Drew did not make it to the end of my story, I will always leave a bookmark in his chapter….because it truly is one of my favorites.
Grief, as it turns out, is a sneaky little bastard. It sneaks in when you least expect, without warning. No matter how many times you’ve gone through it, it’s not the same. You can’t really control how you grieve either. It is not a straight line, it takes a different path every day.
I have tried really hard to learn how to accept what is. If I wake up sad, be sad. If I wake up angry, be angry. But then move forward. I have found, and continue to still find ways to pull myself out of the sadness and toward joy. Find ways to climb out of anger toward gratitude. I don’t really have a choice. It is either let grief win and push me deep into depression or find ways to heal.
I choose the road to healing. Learning to shift the focus away from the things that make you sad and putting your attention on the things you’re thankful for helps. It might not work for everyone, but it helped me.
When I wrote the eulogy for my brother’s funeral, I first struggled to find the words — any words — to put down on paper. Then I shifted my focus on the things he did that made me happy — the things I was grateful for. I focused on all of that and how thankful I was for the time I did have with him and the forever memories I have of him. Baseball has been such a big part of our lives, and I know I will never attend another game, hear the sounds of the game, or the see a baseball glove without thinking of and missing him.
Today, 30 days after my brother died, I’m still grieving. I’ve learned that grieving doesn’t really have an ending. It’s a process. A journey. I know that some days will be great, others will be downright awful. But I have to believe that somewhere along the way, if you look hard enough, you’ll find the joy. I am sure trying.
Counting Crows have a song called “A Long December” and it says, ‘A long December and there’s reason to believe…Maybe this year will be better than the last.’ I sure hope so.
Drew knew many people, and I had people reach out and tell me they wished they could attend his memorial, but had other engagements or simply lived too far away. For all those who could not make it, here is a link to his memorial service. Again, thank you all for your kind words and great memories you have shared with me!
December 4 will never be the same for me again. I will never forget how I felt when I found him. Numb, shock, utter disbelief. I was asked to speak at his funeral. I did not know if could or if I had the strength to get through it. However, I felt I owed it to him to try and to do my best to honor him….to make sure his memory lives on.
I don’t have many friends and as I have said, I am an emotional robot. I do not express feelings very well. That is why I keep this blog, as a way of expressing myself the only way I know how…a personal diary of sorts. Below is a copy of what I tried to say at Drew’s funeral. I am convinced the only way I got through it was because of God. He graced and blessed me yesterday with strength I did not know I had. Sometimes, you have to make a decision that absolutely breaks your heart, but know it will help bring you peace.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to speak here today. I’m grateful to be here to honor Drew and celebrate what he meant to so many. Whether it be that he was a wonderful father, uncle, cousin, friend, or the best brother anyone could ask for to what he accomplished as a baseball player. He had a competitive drive in him on the mound that carried over to in his life, as a parent – Drew left it all on the field and did his best to be a great father to his kids.
This week has been hard, probably the toughest week of my life…bar none. I posted a video earlier in the week that absolutely pulled what little heart I had left out of my chest. It said that ‘I have never been the same since my brother died. There is a melancholy inside of me that is always there’. I do not think that truer words have ever been spoken. I know that I will never be the same after this, knowing I will never see his face, get to sit down and have another conversation with him, watch him grow with his children and get roped into coaching little league baseball and softball like a lot of us have…although I think he would have been great at it and that he would have realized he missed his calling. He will never get to walk his baby girl down the aisle. He loved his kids and was great with them. However, I know that nothing is too big or heavy for my God. I am trying to take comfort from the beatitudes. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
That is my prayer for his children, precious little Vada and Beckett. They are young and maybe they cannot fully understand the situation, but they will know there is a void that cannot be filled and they will ask questions and ask to see their daddy in the coming days. Just the thought of that makes me physically ill, so I just pray for the peace and comfort that only God can provide over them. He loved those babies more than anything in the world.
Because Drew and I were so far apart in age, I did not only look at him as a little brother, I looked at him as one of my own. Maybe that is why this is so difficult. It is like losing a son, brother, and best friend all at once.
I have had a ton of messages from people telling me that he looked up to me, was proud of me and that he loved me. Although that does my heart good, but I am a nobody. I can promise that as proud as he was of me and as much as he loved me, it paled in comparison to what I felt for him. What Drew was to me was the inspiration that someone truly looked up to and cared about the man that I was and that, in turn made me want to be the best big brother that I could be. To do that, you have to put up with the random calls and silly, obvious questions. But, I took pride in answering every question that seemed obvious to me knowing that he was just trying to be a better person.
Not saying that I loved anyone in my family more than anyone else. But I do know that of all the people that have gone on to glory….I will miss him the most. We shared a sense of humor that a lot didn’t find funny. We may or may not have called just to talk about people. He never failed to ask me about my kids and what they were up to or in to. At the end of the day though, he had the biggest heart and so much love for his children. He had a huge soft spot for kids in general. I can remember one time when we lived together while he was in college…we saw a kid across the parking lot who had his bike flipped upside down, the chain had come off. It had started to rain a little. He made me drive over there so he could get out and help the little guy get his chain back on. It was the little things like that the defined his character and the man he was. Just his smile and looking at how he responded and reacted with the people he loved
To Vada and Beckett, I will keep you close in my heart and my prayers. I and the rest of Drew’s family will always be here for you. Always.
All of this has shown me how precious time is. No one knows how much time we have. That’s why we must live in the moment, we must enjoy the moment, we must reach out and see and spend as much time as we can with our families and friends and the people that we absolutely love.
A lot of us here are preparing for our first Christmas without their, father, brother, nephew, cousin, or very good friend. This year I told my wife that I wanted our house to scream JOY when people came in. It will still look that way, but it is going to be a season of sorrow for a lot of us. Just try and love and be good to one another. We are not promised tomorrow.
Drew and I were brothers and brothers fight. We had a disagreement about a month or so. As I stand here before you, I cannot tell you what that disagreement was about. I didn’t talk to him much over the last month or so and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that.
I now know what it is like to lose almost everyone you have loved all your life. All I know to do is to lean on God and hold on to hope. Hope is powerful. If we lose hope, then the evil in the world wins and that means Drew died for nothing. I simply cannot come to terms with a world like that. One of my first thoughts after learning of his passing was, “I do not know how to go on without him.” Later this week I realized that I don’t go on without him….I take him with me. I honor him by keeping his memory alive for his kids and all that loved him.
We all know Drew loved baseball. He was passionate about it. As a player, he always pushed himself to be better and never backed down from a challenge. Was he perfect? None of us are. But on certain days of his life, it sure seemed as if he was. I watched him go toe to toe and out duel Sergio Romo at USA Stadium. Romo went on to play for the Giants and win 3 world series. But don’t think for a second Drew would admit that ol Sergio was better than him . I absolutely loved watching Drew play baseball. Whether he was 9 or 21. I admired him because of his passion for his craft and how he would try to improve each and every day. I am positive he tried to be a better daddy every day as well.
In closing, Drew was a great man at his core. Just based on the comments I have read in the last few days, people thought he was a wonderful guy that was always kind. He was sometimes misunderstood, as we all are, but he was also a rare combination of a fierce competitor with a gentle soul. I envied that.
I was and will always be so proud of him and to call him my brother. He was a great ball player and I know I was biased when I spoke to other people about him and baseball. Did I sometimes embellish just how good he was? Maybe, maybe not. But in the end, I didn’t embellish for whomever I was talking to, or so that my kids or his kids would look up to him as some kind of hero. I did it for myself. I adored him and I needed him to be a hero. It is my witness. I love you, Drew baby!
The Unsilent Majority 